


without you

by journalofimprobablethings



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: (discussion of), Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood and Injury, Canon-Typical Violence, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: e060-066 The Stolen Century Parts 1-7, F/M, Grief/Mourning, IPRE Crew | Starblaster Crew as Family, Magnus Burnsides & Lup Friendship, Magnus Burnsides Needs a Hug, Magnus is real sad in this one y'all, Memory Alteration, References to Depression, Sad Magnus Burnsides, Temporary Character Death, because Stolen Century
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-14 19:47:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29301381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/journalofimprobablethings/pseuds/journalofimprobablethings
Summary: Sleeping alone shouldn't feel so strange, Magnus thinks. He and Lucretia have only been sharing a bed for a few weeks, and every night he has marveled that she is here, that after everything they've been through they've finally found their way together. It hasn't been so very long, but already it has begun to feel so natural, waking up beside her.Now, Lucretia is gone, and the narrow bed feels too big, too empty. The pillow still smells like her, like coconut and shea butter, but even that is already beginning to fade, and soon it will be like she was never there.Magnus and Lucretia have only been together, really together, for a couple weeks. When a routine scouting mission goes wrong early in the cycle, Magnus has to face the prospect of nearly a year without her.
Relationships: Magnus Burnsides & Everyone, Magnus Burnsides & Lup, Magnus Burnsides/The Director | Lucretia, The Director | Lucretia & Lup
Comments: 5
Kudos: 10





	without you

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not really a huge shipper, and I don't think I've ever actually written a ship fic before. But I enjoy the dynamic of Magnus and Lucretia a lot, so here, have some Magcretia! But angsty. 
> 
> This fic does deal with heavy topics; please take care of yourself! CW for some violence and the description of the death of a loved one in part I (if you want to miss that bit, you can skip ahead to part II at the paragraph that starts "The warlock dodged the swing and darted past him"), and discussion of grief, mourning, and depression in part II.

### I.

Sleeping alone shouldn't feel so strange, Magnus thinks. He and Lucretia have only been sharing a bed for a few weeks, and every night he has marveled that she is here, that after everything they've been through they've finally found their way together. It hasn't been so very long, but already it has begun to feel so natural, waking up beside her.

Now, Lucretia is gone, and the narrow bed feels too big, too empty. The pillow still smells like her, like coconut and shea butter, but even that is already beginning to fade, and soon it will be like she was never there. The thought makes his heart clench in panic.

He knows it isn't forever. He knows she'll be back. But as much as he tries to tell himself that this is only temporary, he can't seem to shake the dull despair that weighs him down every time he wakes up to the empty space beside him.

He can't shake the nightmares that come every time he manages to sleep.

He is already so tired of sleeping alone.

* * *

They hadn’t come out that day expecting a fight.

It was only their third week on this plane, but so far it had been peaceful. The civilization on the continent they had landed on was fairly advanced, the inhabitants friendly and welcoming. After initial discreet inquiries, they had made friends with the faculty at a local research institute, who had been studying anomalies that sounded like they might be caused by the Light. 

Today was a scouting trip: Lup, Magnus, and Lucretia, along with a couple of the institute's researchers, were following a set of strange energy readings they had found on the outskirts of the city. The day was brilliant and clear, and they were all basking in the warmth of the first two-sunned plane they'd come across in years. As they walked, Lucretia tilted her face up to the suns and closed her eyes, smiling.

"It feels like home," she said, and Magnus couldn't help smiling, too.Things had been so difficult for her, since the Judges; it was good to see her so happy. He reached over and took her hand, snuck a kiss on her ear because he knew it would make her laugh.

It had all the makings of a perfect day.

Magnus and Lucretia were walking with Noel, one of the researchers, along a path lined with strange, white-barked trees. Lucretia sketched the trees as she walked along, capturing them in easy, sure strokes of her pencil. Ahead of them, Noel's assistant, Maya, was walking with Lup and peppering her with questions about their travels.

"Maya's doing better, then?" Lucretia said.

Maya had been absent recently from their meetings at the institute. It had been a topic of quiet discussion the week before when they met with Celia, the head of research--her partner had taken suddenly ill, and had passed away only a few days before.

Noel looked after Maya as she trotted next to Lup, his lips pursed in disapproval. "She's been to see the soothers," he said.

"Soothers?" Lucretia asked.

"There's a practice here, that some turn to when they're having a...a difficult time. It's not exactly--" he paused, and Magnus could tell he was trying to find a polite way to phrase it. "Many people do not approve of it. But you can find the folk who will perform it easily enough."

"What is it?" Lucretia was already turning to a new page in her notebook, ever the chronicler.

"They make you forget."

Magnus bent down to pick up the pen that Lucretia had dropped in her surprise, handed it back to her without a word.

"What do you mean, forget?" Lucretia asked.

"They can block out the painful memories, for a time. It's temporary--just a brief respite, a break from the pain.The better ones can pick out a single event, a moment the client wants to forget. But often, they just erase the person."

Magnus stared. "Why would you want to forget a whole person?"

"Some people find it makes it easier," Noel said. "To remove the source of the pain entirely. I have never myself seen how it would help, but..." He shrugged. "To each their own, I suppose."

A cloud passed over one of the suns just then, casting the path into shadow. Magnus looked up and shivered at the sudden chill.

Up ahead, the path ran up a small ridge and disappeared behind it. The trees grew close to either side of the path at the base of the hill, and as they approached Magnus could see that they had been marked with strange symbols. The marks were an uncomfortable shade of reddish-brown that stood out starkly against the white of the bark.

"Hey, Lup," Magnus said. "Did you see--"

That was all he managed to say before a blast of magic crackled out from the trees on their left and exploded at Lup's feet.

For a moment it was chaos. Lup leapt back and turned toward where the blast had come from, her hands aflame. Two more blasts followed the first in quick succession--one went wide, but the second would have hit Noel directly if Maya hadn't grabbed him and pulled him down with her behind the shelter of a tree.

Magnus, Lucretia, and Lup were left standing back to back in the middle of the road, scanning the forest for any sign of movement.

Then a man stepped out of the trees, into the path ahead of them. His face was hidden under the hood of his black robes, a twisting insignia worked in red across his chest. Some kind of warlock, Magnus guessed, but he didn't know enough to recognize who he might serve.

"You will go no further," the warlock said.

Lup snorted.

"Are we meant to be impressed?” she said.

The warlock said nothing. Instead he raised his hands and sent an eldritch blast directly at Magnus.

Looking back, Magnus couldn’t say why he didn’t try to dodge it. His brain simply froze, any instincts to dodge out of the way suddenly stalled. He braced himself for the impact--but then the world tilted, and he landed hard on the ground as Lucretia shoved him out of the way. 

He had a sudden image of the blast hitting her instead as she shoved him.

_No._

He looked up, afraid of what he might see, but Lucretia was still on her feet, the remnants of a shield dissipating around her. The bolt of energy sizzled into the trees beside them, and Lucretia sent a trio of magic missiles at the warlock in return, causing him to dive into the underbrush to avoid them.

"Get it, Lucy!" Lup cackled, and sent her own spell crackling after him.

Magnus scrambled to his feet as Lucretia ran up the ridge to gain a better view, and then he felt the familiar buzz on his skin as she cast one her shields over him. Next to him, Lup glimmered with the same magic.

Magnus glanced to the side to check on the researchers. Noel was crouched behind a tree, his hands over his head, trembling. Maya was next to him, trying to comfort him, but she was only shaking slightly less herself. They both shimmered slightly from the shield Lucretia had cast over them, but Magnus knew she could only hold the spell over all four of them for so long.

"Get out of here!" Magnus yelled. Maya nodded. She pulled Noel to his feet, murmuring something to him. Then she took his hand and they both ran up the path, back the way they had come, and soon they had disappeared around the bend.

The warlock had extricated himself from the underbrush and was standing before them in the road, his robes billowing. 

"What do you want from us, my dude?" Lup said. "We're just passing through."

"You will not reach it," the warlock said. "It's ours, and we will protect the way to it."

Lup didn't dodge quite fast enough to evade his next attack--the bolt of magic caught her in the shoulder and sent her sprawling. But Lucretia's shield did its job, and she was up almost immediately, rubbing her shoulder.

"Hey, Mags, you think this means we're on the right track?" Lup said as she got to her feet.

"Yeah, I would say so," Magnus said. Then he rushed in, swinging his ax in a wide two-handed arc.

The warlock dodged the swing and darted past him, shooting off a blast of eldritch energy as he ran. It was haphazard, seemingly random, and missed Magnus by a wide margin. He opened his mouth to taunt the warlock for his bad aim--but then he heard Lup gasp, and he looked up, just in time to see the blast hit Lucretia square in the chest.

In the novels that Magnus sometimes stole from Lucretia’s bookshelf, when something awful happened time seemed to slow, the hero watching in horror as an event they were powerless to stop played out in slow motion.

When the curse hit Lucretia, it happened so fast that Magnus barely had time to register it. One moment, she was at the top of the ridge, her face set in determination as she readied a spell. The next, she was crumpled on the ground, her wand rolling down the slope to Magnus’s feet.

For a moment all Magnus could do was stare at that wand.

Next to him, Lup sent a ball of flame at the warlock that engulfed him in seconds. His screams pulled Magnus back into the present, and then he was racing up the hill before he could think, because Lucretia was hurt, he had to get to her--

Even before he reached her, he could see the dark stain of blood spreading across the front of her jacket.

“Lucretia! No no no no no--” 

He skidded to his knees next to her, gathering her into his arms as though he could still somehow protect her from what had happened, could mend the ragged hole the curse had opened up in her chest.

Lucretia looked up at him, her eyes wide and frightened, and it scared Magnus more than anything, that fear in her eyes. Her breath came in sharp, wheezing gasps, as though her lungs had forgotten how to take in air, and in between gasps she managed a few syllables that might have been his name.

"I'm here," he said. He took her hand and held it tight, pressed it against his chest. "I'm here, Luce, I’ve got you. It's gonna be okay. We’ll get Merle and--you're gonna be okay, just hold on."

Behind him, he could hear Lup talking in low, urgent tones to Merle on her stone of farspeech. He cradled Lucretia against him and pressed his cheek into her hair. Her curls were damp with sweat; the two suns now seemed relentlessly hot, beating down on his head and neck. The grit of the path dug into his knees, but he didn't dare move in case it made Lucretia worse.

"Stay with me," he whispered. "Please, Lucretia. Please."

Then Lup was there, kneeling on Lucretia's other side.

"Magnus,” she said.

He knew as soon as he heard the resignation in her voice what it meant.

He closed his eyes to try to shut it out, focused instead on Lucretia’s breath, her hand in his.

“Just hold on," he murmured.

“Magnus,” Lup said again.

Magnus finally looked up at her, and she looked back at him, and his whole body went numb at the heavy sadness in her eyes.

"No."

“Merle’s too far away,” Lup said. “He’d never...he’d never get here in time.”

Magnus shook his head, as if his denial was enough to ward off Lup’s words.

“No. Lup, I--”

“I know."

“It’s too soon, it’s too early--"

“I know.”

“A whole year, Lup, I can’t--we only just--”

“I know. I’m so sorry, Magnus.”

Lup reached out and put a hand gently over his, where he still held Lucretia’s hand to his chest.

"You have to let her go."

Magnus couldn't speak, could only shake his head in one last weak denial. Lup pulled him to her and kissed his forehead. Then she leaned down and cupped Lucretia's face gently in her hand.

“Lucy,” Lup said. “Luce, can you hear me?”

Lucretia looked at Lup, and her lips moved like she was trying to say Lup’s name, but no sound came out.

“I’m here, babe, I’m right here,” Lup said. She took Lucretia’s other hand, weaving their fingers together. “Luce, listen to me. You can let go now, okay? Just relax.”

Even though he knew that Lup was right, everything in Magnus rebelled against those words. He held Lucretia’s hand tight, and Lucretia tightened her grip in return, her knuckles white, her chest heaving with breaths her lungs had forgotten how to take.

“Shh,” Lup said. She smoothed her hand over Lucretia’s hair, soothing. "It’s okay, it’s gonna be okay. You don’t have to hold on anymore.” Her voice wobbled, just slightly, as she said it. “We’re right here, we’ve got you. We love you, Lucy. We’ll see you so, so soon.”

Magnus wanted to say something, to give Lucretia reassurance. But his throat closed up around his words and a heavy weight seemed to have settled on his chest. He could barely see her face through his gathering tears. He lifted her hand to his lips and kissed it, held it to his cheek.

Lup leaned down and rested her forehead against Lucretia’s. “Close your eyes, babe. We’re here.” Then quietly, gently, she started to hum, and within just a few notes Magnus recognized the music: the piece that she and Barry had composed at Legato. Lucretia had always loved that piece. 

Lup stroked Lucretia’s hair in a soft, soothing rhythm, and rubbed a thumb over her knuckles, and hummed. Lucretia’s eyes slowly drifted closed, and Magnus felt her grip on his hand loosen, and it was all he could do not to grip her tighter in response, not to try to hold on, to keep her with him.

Lup hummed, and Lucretia’s breathing became slower, shallower, more and more space between each breath. 

Then it stopped. Lup stopped humming, and there was no sound left on that hill but the wind in the trees.

### II.

Magnus walks a step behind Lup and Taako, pretending to listen to their back-and-forth banter but really thinking of not much at all.

No, that's not true. He's still thinking of Lucretia, that moment on the hilltop playing over and over in the back of his mind, a constant underscore to whatever else he's doing. 

Usually, he would be the one to stay behind to guard the Starblaster: his fighter skills are more useful for keeping away potential thieves and pirates than in the halls of the research institute. But as the others were getting ready to leave, the thought of being alone--the silence of the ship pressing in on him, nothing to distract him from the memories that keep playing on repeat in his mind--was too much to bear. Barry agreed immediately when he asked if he could switch places. 

The others have been worried about him, he knows. He hasn't had the energy to do much about it.

It's been a week since the attack. He's gone over the events of that day a million times in his mind, imagined all the things he could have done differently, a thousand ways he could have saved her. He's tried, at times, to put it out of his mind, to think of something, anything else. But as hard as he tries, he keeps returning to that final moment, to Lup humming quietly while Lucretia's breath grew fainter, while she fell further and further away from him.

When they arrive at the institute, Celia greets them as always with a soft, welcoming smile, and a tray of cookies and cups of steaming, fragrant tea. At first she doesn't seem to notice the pall that hangs over them, passing the tray around the same as ever.

"Is Lucretia not joining us today?" she asks.

Magnus's hand jolts at the sound of Lucretia's name, and the rattle of his teacup against the saucer is loud in the sudden, heavy silence.

Lup reaches over wordlessly to squeeze Magnus's hand.

Davenport clears his throat. "I'm afraid--I’m afraid we lost her, last week," he says quietly. "There was an attack on the scouting trip. We believe it was someone who is also on the trail of the Light, or already has it."

Celia's hand goes to her mouth. "Oh, I--I'm so sorry. I didn't realize. Noel told me about the attack, but he didn't--" she stops herself. "I'm so very sorry for your loss."

"Thank you," Davenport says.

There is a moment of uncomfortable silence as they all sit, holding their teacups, carefully not looking at the empty chair where Lucretia should be sitting. 

She would hate this, Magnus thinks, being the center of attention, being the cause of so much awkward silence. She would want them to move on, change the topic, not focus on the fact that she's gone, that she won't be back for nearly a year--

"Magnus?"

Celia's voice cuts through his thoughts. He looks down and realizes that he's gripped his cup so tight that the handle has broken off in his hand. He mutters an apology, places the broken cup and its saucer on the table next to his chair.

Celia looks at him with sympathy.

"She was your partner, wasn't she?" Celia says.

Magnus hesitates, then nods.

The novelty of others seeing them as partners, as a pair, hasn't yet worn off.

"I’m so sorry. The loss of a partner is a difficult thing. One of the most difficult, next to the loss of a child." She pauses, weighing her words. "It's not entirely customary, but if you would like us to send for one of the soothers..."

He remembers Lucretia's face, bright with interest as Noel described the soothers. _It's temporary_ , he had said. _A break from the pain._

A break from the pain. A break from the endless repetition of that scene in his head, the echo of her rattling breath in his ears. Just for a little while, to forget what it felt like when her grip loosened in his.

He wonders if the soother they sent for would be one of the better ones, the ones who can pluck an event from your memories and leave the rest untouched, or one of the others.

 _Often, they just erase the person_.

The thought makes his heart stutter.

Forget Lucretia?

Forget her smile, the thrill of making her laugh, the way her usually serious face transformed as though lit from the inside--forget the late-night talks, the scouting trips where he helped her identify plants, the way she would drop into a conversation with a deadpan remark that set the whole team yelling--

He imagines himself sitting here drinking tea, peaceful and complacent not because everything was fine, but because he'd _forgotten--_

"No!" He realizes, belatedly, that he's stood as he said it, almost shouted the word. He passes a hand over his eyes. "I'm sorry. Thank you. But no."

He looks up, and they're all staring, and he can't stand it, the way they're looking at him. The sadness and pity in their eyes. He can't stand to be here any longer.

"Excuse me."

And before any of them can say anything he's out of the room, out of the institute, heading back towards the Starblaster. 

* * *

Lup finds Magnus in his room when she gets back with the others. He's sitting on his bed, a block of wood in one hand and a carving knife in the other, but he's been staring at them both for hours without making a cut.

He doesn't look up when she appears in the doorway.

"I'm sorry I left like that," he says. "I hope Celia wasn't offended."

"You're fine, babe," Lup says. "She understands."

He moves the knife over the wood, tracing the point along the grain, but not pressing hard enough to leave a mark.

"Did she know anything about the guy who attacked us?"

Lup sighs and settles herself on the floor next to his bed. "We gave her a description of the insignia on his robes, and she said she'd give it to her people to see if they can find anything. It's kind of hard, though, with just a description." She looks down at her hands. "Didn't really think about that before I torched him."

"You did the right thing," he says, his voice rough. He has often thought, in the last week, of what he would have done to the warlock if Lup hadn't gotten to him first. Burning to death was probably kinder.

They are silent, then, the only sound in the room the scratch of his knife as he continues to trace it through the grain of the wood. He thinks Lup might get up and leave, after a while, but she just sits, watching the movement of the knife in his hands.

He loves this about Lup: her ability to just sit with you, not talking, until you're ready to say whatever you need to say.

And so finally, into the silence, Magnus voices a question that has been growing in his mind, more and more insistent--though he's so afraid of it that when he says it, it comes out small and quiet, like a secret.

“Lup, what if she doesn’t come back?”

The question hangs in the air for a moment, simple and awful. Then Lup comes to kneel in front of him, takes his face in her hands. "Hey, listen. Look at me." 

He does, reluctantly. 

"You can't think like that, okay?" she says. "You can't let that thought in. I know--I know it's hard. Anytime Barry or Taako are gone I--there's always a moment when I wonder. But you can't dwell on it, because it's just gonna eat you from the inside out if you do. Yeah?"

He nods. She's right, of course. But he doesn't know how to keep the thought out, how to keep that gnawing dread from growing inside him like a cancer.

Lup seems to know what he's thinking. She gently takes the wood and knife and sets them on the floor, then takes both his hands in hers. 

"She'll be back, Magnus. She will. This year is gonna be hard--I won't pretend it isn't. But we're here for you. If you ever need to talk--or just sit. We're here. You're not alone."

 _You’re not alone._

It’s amazing, the effect of those three simple words. 

He knows, of course, that his family is there for him, will support him however they can. But for the past week, he's felt as though he's been watching the world through a pane of glass, a thin, impenetrable divide separating him from everyone and everything around him.

Now, something about Lup's firm grip, her three simple words, finally breaks through.

Magnus’s chest hitches in a sob. He hasn’t cried since that first day; after the initial shock and horror wore off, he’s been existing in a sort of numb despair. Now all the sadness that has been building in him comes out in waves, and he drops his head and weeps, desperately, into Lup’s shoulder. She folds her arms around him and holds him as he cries. She doesn’t shush him, or whisper comforting nonsense, or tell him it’s all right. She just holds him, steady and sure, as he finally lets himself collapse.

She holds him until he has cried himself out, his tears soaking into the hood of her robe. Eventually he calms, and they sit for a time, his head still resting on Lup’s shoulder. Then he wraps his arms around her, trying to put all the things he can’t put into words into that hug.

"Thanks, Lup," he says.

She hugs him back, hard. "Anytime, babe."

* * *

It's not that the days afterwards are easier, exactly. Every day is still a battle. But between all the members of his family, Magnus is never alone unless he wants to be. Taako brings him pancakes, sometimes, or Merle will leave a tiny bottle on his nightstand with a note that reads "just a little something I found stashed away." Lup and Barry are always there if he needs a hug. Davenport lends him his old music player and a stack of tapes, "to keep the silence at bay," he says.

The days are not easy, but with help from his family, he makes it through each one.

A few days after his conversation with Lup, Barry appears in his doorway.

"Hey Mags. Is this an okay time?"

Magnus shrugs. "Sure, what's up?"

"I have something for you." Barry reaches into his pocket, and hands Magnus a small notebook.

"What's this?"

"It's a--I kind of think of it as a lifeboat. Lup and I have one that we keep in our room. When one of us is--" Barry stops, clears his throat. "When one of us is gone, we leave notes in it. A lot of it is stupid stuff, just anything that comes to mind. Anything that we would want to say to the other person, if they were here." He shrugs. "It's not the same, but it helps, some. I thought, if you want, you could use this for Lucretia."

Magnus looks down at the notebook. Its cover is blue, with a delicate pattern of silver swirling across it. Lucretia's favorite color.

He takes a deep breath, and when he speaks his voice is raspy around the lump that has risen in his throat.

"Thanks, Barry," he says.

Barry nods, and gives Magnus a small smile. Then he slips away.

### III.

_Luce,_

_How are you?_

_This is obviously a question for Future You, reading this, because Present You is_

_Fuck. I'm so bad at this._

_I don't really know what to write here. How do you write so much all the time?_

_I miss you._

_Magnus_

_-_

_I started using your lotion on my hands. I hope you don't mind. It's nice, to have a smell that reminds me of you. Also, my hands are the softest they have ever been, so I am going to keep stealing this stuff after you're back, sorry._

_-_

_I saw the wildest bird today. It was huge, with a long neck and tail feathers twice as long as it was tall. It was all blue, except for the tail which had some iridescent purple and green in there. All your favorite colors. I wish I was any good at drawing, so I could show you what it looks like. You would have loved it._

_-_

_Davenport lent me some of his old tapes to listen to when the silence gets to be too much. He’s got interesting taste in music, but you know what, I think I am coming around to sea shanties. There’s something about them that just hits some kind of chord. So many of them are about longing--for a person, for home. I can relate to that._

_-_

_Merle left for Parlay today. It's so dumb, I always think that maybe this time he'll come back. But his smoky self vanished after a few hours, same as always. I promised him before he left that I'd water his plants. I hope I'm not going to regret that._

_-_

_Your pen collection is the most intimidating thing I've ever seen in my life. I just want a simple ballpoint. Is that so much to ask??_

_-_

_I may or may not have broken one of your fountain pens. I do not understand how they work. Please don't hate me._

_-_

_Happy birthday, Luce. You're the hottest octogenarian I know (how's that for a Lucretia word?)._ _I can't wait to see your face when you read this part._

_I miss you._

_-_

_Taako banned me from the kitchen again. I don't see how it's my fault this time, Barry's the one who wanted smoothies in the first place and I would have thought the lid of the blender would stay on by itself. Blueberry smoothie is a bitch to clean off the ceiling, I'll tell you that._

_-_

_We found the Light. Celia and her crew were a little salty when we said we have to keep it, even after we explained (again) about the whole plane-of-darkness-coming-to-eat-the-world thing. So they're not really talking to us anymore. I don't really miss it, but I think Dav is sad. He loved Celia's tea._

_-_

_Lup and Barry have gone feral without you to remind them to take care of themselves. I don't think they've left the lab in three days. How do you do it? Taako just shrugs and says that nerds will be nerds. Dav had to order them out the other day to eat with the rest of us, and even then they only came out for an hour. At this rate they'll have become one with their lab equipment by the end of the year._

_-_

_Lucretia,_

_Some days missing you hurts so much I can't breathe. It's been months but it still feels like it just happened yesterday. I still have nightmares about that day._

_I'm sorry I didn't save you, Luce. I'm sorry I failed you. I'll make it up to you. I promise._

_-_

_Did you know that if you put sodium in water, it will explode? Apparently this is a well-known science fact. Nobody told me the explosion would be quite so big, though._

_-_

_Today I sat outside with Dav and we drank a bottle of some fancy wine he had stored up and watched the sunset. It was warm and the fireflies started to come out as the light was fading. If you had been there you would have wanted to paint it, it was that beautiful. When you're back we'll have to find a time to steal some wine and do a replay. Maybe Dav can come, too. He's a pretty cool dude._

_-_

_We made it, Luce. Tomorrow is the last day of the cycle. Hope the Hunger doesn't eat us before we regenerate. But for real, I can't wait. I get to see you tomorrow. I get to hold you and kiss you tomorrow. I'm so excited I could cry._

_I love you. See you soon._

### IV.

When they reform on the deck at the start of the next cycle, Magnus is moving even before the threads of light have fully dispersed, towards where he knows Lucretia will be. She must have already been moving, too, and they crash together in the middle of the deck like waves at high tide. She's here, finally, solid and real and whole in his arms, her heart hammering strong and steady against his chest, and he clings to her and buries his face in her shoulder.

"I'm sorry," he whispers, "I'm so sorry." It takes him a moment to realize that she is whispering the same thing into the collar of his jacket.

He pulls back and looks at her. "Wait, what are you sorry about?"

"I didn't mean to leave you so soon," she says. Her face is wet with tears. "I should have seen it coming, or had a shield up--my specialty is abjuration, for gods' sake."

Magnus shakes his head, sending a couple drops of his own tears flying. "No, Lucretia, it wasn't your fault. I should never have let the guy get near you. If I hadn't missed--"

"Gods, you're both idiots," Taako says from behind Magnus. 

Lup punches him in the shoulder, but Taako ignores her. He's leaning against the doorjamb, arms crossed. "It's not like either of you actually had control over the situation. The one to blame is the dude who fired the shot, and my sister burned him to a crisp, so, he got his. Problem solved."

Barry starts, slowly but firmly, to push Taako out of the room. Merle and Davenport have already slipped politely away. After a few seconds of resistance, Taako holds up his hands in surrender. "All right, okay, I'm going. All I'm saying is, stop beating yourselves up over it and just kiss already. I've had enough drama with these two to last a lifetime."

Then he flounces out. Barry and Lup exchange a glance, roll their eyes, and follow.

Magnus and Lucretia look back at each other. Magnus sheepishly wipes his eyes. "He's probably right," he says.

"Don't tell him that," Lucretia says with a watery laugh. She sniffs and wipes her face. Then she smiles up at him, that radiant smile that seems to light her whole face from within.

"Hi," she says.

He smiles back. "Hi," he says.

And then he does kiss her, and she kisses him back, standing on tiptoe to reach, and it is a kiss full of light and relief and joy, and it is everything that he has imagined and hoped for and dreamed of all year.

Later, in his room, Magnus hands Lucretia a red journal, its pages thick with writing.

"We wrote down as much as we could," he says. "It's not as good as yours, but--I hope it's okay."

She smiles as she takes the journal. "I'm sure it's wonderful," she says.

Then Magnus pulls out another, smaller notebook. The silver swirls on its blue cover catch the light as he holds it out to her. "And this one is from me," he says. "Barry called it a lifeboat? And he wasn't wrong." His voice wavers a little, and he clears his throat to steady it. "I missed you so much, Lucretia. I missed talking to you. So this was me, talking to you. In a way."

She takes it with both hands, delicately, as though it's the most precious thing she's ever held. Then she looks up at him, her eyes shining with tears. "Thank you, Magnus," she says.

That night, she reads through the notebook as they lie entwined in Magnus's narrow bed. She laughs a lot, and occasionally swats him with the notebook (he knows exactly when she gets to the part about her being a hot octogenarian). When she finishes, she closes the book and reaches up to wipe her eyes.

"I love you, too," she says.

Magnus kisses her forehead and holds her close.

* * *

Magnus and Lucretia are lying in his bed. Her head is nestled into his shoulder, and his cheek is rested against her curls, smelling of coconut and shea butter. He traces a hand lightly up and down her arm, savoring the feel of her skin, the featherlight touch of her breath on his chest.

The knot of tension that has been building inside him all year has loosened, and for the first time in months, he feels truly, absolutely relaxed.

He's almost asleep when Lucretia speaks.

"Did you use them at all?" she asks.

"Use what?" Magnus asks sleepily.

"The soothers. I know Noel said that it was frowned upon, but it might--I thought it might have made it easier."

Magnus blinks, fully awake now. "No," he says. "They offered, but I--I couldn't do it."

"I would understand, if you did," she says.

Magnus props himself up so he can look at her better. "I couldn't. Not even for a minute.The idea of losing you like that, Lucretia--it hurts more than anything. My memories were all I had left of you. If those were gone..." He shakes his head. "Besides, even if they tried to erase you, I don't think it would work. They could erase you from my mind, but I would still know that something was missing. Here." He puts his hand over his heart.

"You're such a romantic," Lucretia says. 

"I'm serious. I could never forget you, Lucretia. Never."

She smiles, and leans up to kiss him. "And you'll never have to," she says.

**Author's Note:**

> I couldn't resist the final line - as soon as I got the idea for the soothers I knew what the last moment would be. Sorry not sorry?
> 
> This fic was definitely a step outside my comfort zone in a lot of ways, so thank you so much for reading! Kudos and comments always make my day, and if you want to find me on tumblr I'm over there at journalofimprobablethings.


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